Memories

I expected our adoption of DJ to bring up memories from HJ's past.  What I didn't expect was that Grandma's passing would bring up memories.  HJ has been talking a lot more about her "China mom" (her foster mom) recently and missing her.  She is afraid that her China mom has died.  Right now, I address her concerns mainly by acknowledging her feelings and reminding her that she can pray about her China mom.  I'm not sure what else I can do to help her through this.

Part of this is making me feel guilty.  We were able to make contact with HJ's foster mom about a year and a half after she came home.  We have their address, but I have never sent anything else to them - even though HJ has been home 4.5 yrs.  Shame on me.  I now worry that her foster parents just might be dead.  How would I tell her that?  I started to write them a letter a few months ago.  I got a few sentences down and then hit a block.  I had no idea what to say.  It felt weird to write personal information about my daughter to someone who (to me at least) is really a complete stranger.  I finally talked to CP about it and he suggested that I write the letter as if it were to his mom.  That thought made it easier to process what to write, but I still haven't done it.  

In addition, after reading Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child , I have figured out that one of HJ's odd behaviors is really a soothing behavior.  She rubs her ear (and ours) a lot.  She has done this ever since we first brought her home.  I figured back then that it was probably a soothing behavior, but I didn't realize until recently that she is thinking about her China mom when she does it.  So, I have started to ask her what she is thinking when I see her rubbing her ear.  I am trying to slowly teach her to talk about her feelings to us rather than internalize them and lean on the soothing behavior.   She has stopped rubbing my ear (because I refused to let her about a year ago), but still rubs CPs and JA's if she gets a chance. 

Last night, she asked me to lay down with her at bedtime - so I did.  She was still worried about her China mom.  I suppose I'll just have to get over whatever it is that is keeping me from writing that letter, put my big girl panties on, and write/send that letter to her China mom.  Hopefully, we will have good news and they are still living.