So, how can we tell the difference between a child who "looks" attached, and a child who really is making a healthy, secure attachment? This question becomes important for adoptive families, because some adopted children will form an almost immediate dependency bond to their adoptive parents. To mistake this as secure and healthy attachment can lead to many problems down the road. Just because a child calls someone ''mom'' or "dad," snuggles, cuddles, and says ''I love you," does not mean that the child is attached, or attaching. Saying, "I love you", and knowing what that really feels like, can be two different things. Attachment is a process. It takes time. The key to its formation is trust, and trust becomes secure only after repeated testing. Normal attachment takes a couple of years of cycling through mutually positive interactions. The child learns that the child is loved, loveable, and can love in return. The parent's give love, and learn that the child loves them. The child learns to trust that his needs will be met in a consistent and nurturing manner, and that the child "belongs" to his family, and they to him. Positive interaction, trust, claiming, and reciprocity (the mutual meeting of needs, give and take), these must be consistently present for an extended period of time, for healthy, secure attachment to take place. It is through these elements, that a child learns how to love and how to accept love.
From Dr. Boris Gindis
The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it. Matthew 13:44-46
2 comments:
I would agree....we heard "I love you" after the first several days; we thought at the time she was just doing as her sisters did for that reason alone. At 2.5 yrs home, we still feel there is no honesty behind the nightly "I love you". It's empty words....something she feels she has to do. She simply does not understand what it means to love us...and maybe never will :( Truly...I wish she had never said it and waited to say it as some kids do, until she meant it.
I found your blog through your post on the yahoo group. I enjoyed reading through some of your posts. Your kiddos are beautiful--what a group!!
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