Adopting the Older Child

I have had the honor of helping a number of families chase for their aging out child since we brought the boys home last year.  It is exciting to see them get to the "finish line" and adopt the child before their time is up.  I have also had the honor of sharing with some of these same families after they came home about the tough things that come with older child adoption. 

I have shared some of the tough stuff here, but I thought I would share some more from a "1 yr in" perspective.

I would have to say that far and away, the hardest thing for us about older child adoption has been the out-of-birth-order part of older child adoption.  You see, I read blogs of families that brought home "older" (3 - 8ish) kids who are younger than their youngest child at home.  They kids at home all seem to love/adore/baby the new child. 

Well, we brought home a 10yo boy and a 14yo boy that acted pretty much like 10 and 14 yo boys.  My kids didn't see lost, lonely, helpless kids who needed their loving attention, guidance and care.  They saw competition! 

We have dealt with a lot of sibling rivalry issues (more than what we had been used to) as well as a lot of "it's not fair" complaints.  (We haven't gotten to "They are breathing my air" - yet).  We have dealt with a lot of boundary-marking and place-finding.  We've even had a few fists thrown (and landed!)

We have had bicycles taken away (one child wouldn't shared with another child whose bike had a flat tire), basketballs deflated (not intentionally, just through LOTS of wear and tear), bicycle tires replaced (more wear and tear), walls punched (fortunately neither the fist nor wall were worse for the event), as well as some cultural behavior issues.

As far as behavior upon first coming home, I tried to focus on issues of safety and working on attachment.  I remember reading from Dr. Karyn Purvis that "Connection must come before Correction".  So I let a LOT of things slide early on (which of course led to charges of "it's not fair" from my bio kids!)  that I would normally correct a child that age for.  Something I also read in the Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child made a lot of sense.  They talk about treating a child according to their "family age".  "Family age" is how long your child has lived with you.  Discipline those first months home consist of a lot of re-direction and  (re)teaching.  I wish I had explained this concept to our bio kids before we brought the boys home.  We finally had this discussion a few weeks ago and I think it helped them understand the "fairness" of how we treat TJ and BG.  (at least a little bit). 

 

There is such a HUGE difference in where our boys are now as compared to where they started.  Language, openness, attachment, willingness to communicate.  Thing DO get better.  Even at 6 months home, I felt that things were beginning to feel "normal" again. But then, of course, my dad ended up in the hospital, we put an offer in on a house, DH got pneumonia, I was working OT, and our 13yo son changed his schooling and everything turned upside down again.

 

It DOES get better - over time.  I had to step back and realize that whole first year (which we just celebrated!) is really an adjustment year on EVERYONE's part.  We still have sibling issues (had one just this morning!) but I think they are more in the realm of "normal sibling rivalry" now.  Hang in there!  You'll look back 6 months from now and see just how much things have improved.