Morals, Values, Cultural Norms and Older Kids

The other day, I came home and walked in on a conversation between three of my kids.  The conversation was about beer, dating, girls and parties.  It gave me some interesting insight into the mind of one of my older adopted kids. 

While you know on a subconcious level that your older adopted child has probably been raised with different morals, values and cultural norms than you hold, it is yet another thing to have them discussed bluntly and plainly once they are home with you.

Let's take parties.  Our adopted son (and yes, I'm being vague for some semblance of privacy) believes that when he is driving that he will be going to lots of parties with lots of beer and girls and few if any parents in attendance.  Of course, that is not acceptable to us.  We have taught our other kids that underage drinking is wrong and that if offered a drink that they should refuse.  They also know that they won't be allowed to attend parties where 1) we don't know the parents and 2) there won't be plenty of adult supervision.  

I took the opportunity to explain to him that if he attends such a party that he will lose his driving priveleges.  He said that he would just catch a ride with a friend.  To which I replied that he still wouldn't be going anywhere as we would not allow it.  What I didn't say is that if we find out that he has gone to such a party and it is still in progress, we will drive over to the party and remove him.  I'm sure that will go over real well with his friends!

He did point out though that when he goes to college that he can do whatever he wants.  I told him that was a true statement.  I hope, by then, we have given him a solid enough foundation to make good choices, but we have to leave the rest up to him and God.

What about dating?  Our adopted son plainly stated on numerous occasions that he would "try out" a few girls before he picked the one he thought he might marry.   He never really talked about actually getting married though.  I took the opportunity to explain that dating is not about "playing the field".  Rather, the purpose of dating (courting) is to identify the person whom you want to marry.  I explained that you can learn a lot about a girl just by watching her interact with others.  "Dating" (as our culture defines it) is not necessary. 

He has also asked how old he has to be before he can date.  (Our other kids have asked this question in the past also).  I always kiddingly reply with an age of somewhere between 26 and 32!   We have never told any of our kids a specific age because we believe that the age will be different for each child.  "Dating" can begin when they are mature enough to handle the responsibility that comes with it. 

Later that same evening, we were discussing this some more and I mentioned that some of his ideas were not in accordance to God's design.  He quickly responded that in China, no one told him about God.  All they ever talked about was Buddha.  It is certainly understandable that this is why he holds some of the beliefs that he does. 

Finally, before we went to bed that evening, we were watching an episode of How It's Made  on N*tflix.  This episode included prosthetic limbs.  While we were watching, our adopted son made the comment, "If my baby were born without an arm, I would throw it away." 

That was hard to hear.

I calmly responded, "But what about our friend M?  She is nice and sweet.  Why would you want to do that to her?" 

He replied, "I said if it was my baby I would throw it away." 

It was somewhat comforting to know that he realized that our friend is valued, and that his judgment/decision only applied to someone over whom he had a real say. 

While this extended conversation was difficult in some ways, I am very grateful we had it.  It allowed me to express to our son, at a time when he was open to hearing it, our morals, values and beliefs in a non-threatening manner.  While I don't expect him to adopt these same beliefs after only being home one year, I am hopeful that over time and with more conversations such as these that he will change his mind.