Adopting Older Boys - Attachment - Physical Needs pt 2

Physical Needs
Touch
Yes, we try to touch our boys as much as we can. This area is tougher for older boys (IMO) than for older girls. Girls like their hair brushed, hair fixed, nails polished, manicure, pedicure, etc, but I don't think most 10 or 14 yo boys like this :-) So here is what we have found that works.

Bedtime
We started off immediately with our wake-up/bedtime routine. Here is where I think having other kids helps. At bedtime, we say prayers with/for our kids, tell them goodnight and then give them a hug and a kiss. Our boys saw us do this with JA in China so I "asked" them for a hug at bedtime by holding my arms out. Here is where you need to follow their lead. If they don't move towards you relatively quickly, I would just reach out and give them a pat on the shoulder/head/arm, etc. A kiss is even more intimate, so we didn't go there early on.

What we also did regularly from the beginning was look for opportunities to rub/pat them on the head, arm, leg, shoulder, back; even High-Fives for a good job. Once again, you have to gauge their reaction to each of these touches to determine how fast to move from this quick touch to something longer or more "involved". We have been very fortunate that we haven't experienced a lot of drawing back from these.

Good bye
Also, since I work full-time outside the home, I take the opportunity every morning to tell all of my children "Good bye. Have a good day!" and give them a hug and a kiss. For the boys, the kiss started as just a kiss to the top of the head. We have now progressed to a quick kiss on the cheek (which I am also able to do at bedtime). Now, I am even getting a hug back from GW. TJ tends to be engrossed in something (usually the computer!) and can't break an arm free for a hug. No big deal - it will come - part of this, though, I think is his personality. Time will tell.

Schooling
We have also found that sitting next to them on the couch helping them with their reading (we use Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons) is a great way to have closeness, touch and interaction.

Tickle Time
It seems so simple. Just a little game we play once a week. On Friday evenings, GW, TJ and I go to Chinese Bible Study at a local church. They get homemade Chinese Food and Soul Food - if you know what I mean:-)


The boys LOVE to ride with the windows down. So when we get home, I have to roll them up. Well, GW thinks its funny to roll it back down when I start to roll it up. I roll it up and he rolls it down and I roll it up and he rolls it down. We both start laughing and then I start tickling him in an attempt to keep his hands off of the button! It is a great opportunity for us to share some "touch time" that is fun for both of us. I usually lose and have to wait for him to completely close the door and take a step away before I have a chance of actually getting the window all the way up.

This is something that could be really annoying - but I take it for what it is - a fun way for us to interact over something silly. And I get to tickle him in the process!


Back Massages
I also recently discovered that GW LOVES back massages.  So, everytime I get a chance, I will just come up to him and start rubbing/massaging his back.  He will sit/stand there for a LONG time while I rub his back. 

Eye Contact
A few creative ways we have found to initiate eye contact is playing catch and pillow fights.  We started playing catch in our room in the hotel in China.  I had brought a squishy ball with us and it provided some good fun and eye contact.  We also played "Monkey in the Middle" a few times as well. 

This weekend, TJ and I were sitting on our back deck watching the girls swim.  I had a pillow in my arms so I decided to reach over and lightly bop TJ on the head with it.  He saw it coming and punched at it with his fist.  He soon picked up a pillow and started trying to bop me with it.  We had great fun trying to bop each other laughing the whole time.  While we had great eye contact, I also took note of his level of hyper vigilance.  I saw even the smallest move I would make towards him.  Now whether this hyper-vigilance was just a result of a very competitive boy making sure he won or if there is an underlying need for hyper-vigilance is hard to tell.  However, it is something that I will continue to watch for as we learn about each other.