Adopting Older Boys - Attachment - Emotional Needs

I think with older children, this is where a lot of the attachment occurs.  I looked around some and found this definition for an "emotional need"
What is an emotional need? It is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration.

The following are seven children’s emotional needs:  (I'll touch on each one of these in turn)

• Showing our love with warm and gentle touch, hugs and kisses we can fulfil their first need, which is to be loved. Some children will like to be hugged more than others and it is important to respect this.

I blogged about some of the things we have done in the last post about attachment.  One other thing I have done are sit next to TJ in the chair when we are working together at the computer.  I get to put my hand on his back and rub his back. 

• Showing interest in their activities and being pleased with achievements and improvements and not comparing them with their siblings and others will also respect their individuality.

We have been able to connect with the boys in a number of ways in this area.  TJ likes sports.  So, CP has helped him with baseball by pitching to him.  I have played tennis with him and we have all ridden bikes together.  CP has also helped GW and TJ in the ocean with the boogie boards.  In addition, both boys LOVE the music on their MP3 players.  I have helped them to download new songs and print lyrics for them.  Praising them with their school work also falls in this category.

• Acknowledging their strengths will give them belief in themselves. A ‘can do’ feeling enhances their progress.

This is done everytime they try something new - especially with school.  TJ particularly has been frustrated at times with English or Math and we have encouraged him and told him he can do it. This may be particularly important to Chinese kids who have struggled in school in China.  The expectations and discipline in Chinese schools make this an area to really watch for our kids.

• Giving lots of attention will show them that they are valued as well as being loved. Children want to please and your praise and attention will make them feel good.

We try to pay special attention to the boys and make sure they know we are watching them.  TJ likes having his picture taken (but GW does not).    He then likes to see the pictures on the computer.  We also try to make time to do something with them most nights whether it is playing cards, swimming in the pool, going to the beach, riding bikes or just playing outside.

• Allowing your child to make choices, for example, about what clothes to wear shows them that you trust them as well.

This is an area that may be difficult for some of our kids.  They haven't been allowed to make a lot of choices, so giving them too many may overwhelm them.  We have limited choices in clothes by not buying a lot for them yet.  We allow them to choose their own breakfast and lunch, but we make dinner.  They get to choose what they do (to a point) 

• Having a routine helps them to feel safe and secure because they can anticipate what will happen next,however the routine does not need to be too rigid or inflexible.
With a house full of six kids, you have to have a routine.  They know that school starts at 8:00 and dinner is a 6:00pm.  Church is Sunday morning; Chinese school is Sunday afternoon; and Chinese Bible Study is Friday night.  They know that they alternate cleaning up after dinner each night.  They know they go to their room at 9:00pm and lights out at 10:00pm (10:30 for GW).   

All of our kids have chores and they all help out around the house.  This past week, we had to put sod down in our yard (darn homeowner's association!)  so, all six kids were recruited to help.  However, it quickly became apparent that only the oldest two were really going to be able to contribute.  So, they did - on two days.  Since this was above and beyond their "normal" household duties, they both got paid.  GW was very proud to tell me about his "hen da money" on Friday night!

• Clear boundaries and limits will help to keep them feeling secure and give their lives structure and stability. “Allowing children to make choices (within limits) and to live with the consequences is a respectful, effective method of discipline”.

So far, both GW and TJ have accepted this method of discipline.  Though, there have only been a few things that have required discipline.  We try to make sure the consequences are related to the behavior.  For example, a problem in the pool will result in removal from the pool for a period of time.  Too many problems in the pool and you are done for the day.  The biggest challenge we are having in this area is to be able to clearly communicate the boundaries (like where it is OK to ride your bike - and always tell Mom and Dad when you go outside).  We are working on it and it will come with time.