The last chapter on how to reclaim our kids is about discipline. I have to admit, this is one chapter that I had a hard time with. I'm not sure I agree with everything he says.
The title of the chapter is "Discipline that does not divide". His contention is that current discipline/punishment techniques such as time-outs, tough love and 1-2-3 Magic create "an adversarial relationship". He believes we should be more concerned about attachment than behavior. He advocates "seven principles of natural discipline."
These seven principles are:
- Use Connection, Not Separation, to Bring a Child into Line
- Work the Relationship, Not the Incident
- Draw out the Tears instead of trying to Teach a Lesson
- Solicit Good Intentions instead of Demanding Good Behavior
- Draw out mixed feelings instead of trying to stop impulsive behavior
- Script the desired behavior instead of Demanding Maturity
- When unable to change the child, change the child's world
In the first principle, the author suggests that the withdrawal of closeness (such as Time-outs, sending a child to their room, or the "silent treatment") only results in the child becoming more insecure. He recommends instead that we use connection for discipline. He states that connection must be made before direction is given. While I agree with this in an overall manner, I'm not sure I agree with this on a situation by situation basis. In addition, he does not address how to handle the situation when connection is made before direction and the child refuses to comply.
For example, last night just before dinner, one of our children hurt one of our other children. It was unclear whether the harm was intentional or accidental. When the issue was brought to my attention, I asked the offending party to please apologize to the sibling. The apology was refused and lots of excuses began to be given. I asked nicely multiple times for the offender to apologize and he/she continued to refuse. Finally, I told the offender to place their nose on the kitchen/dining room wall and let them stand there for the customary 1 min per year of age.
In some respects, this is a time-out, but not quite as isolating as other forms of a time-out. The offender was in the room with us the entire time. Was this the best way to handle this? I'm not sure, but it is what we did. At the appointed time, I went up and asked for the apology again. Again it was refused. I allowed the offender to stay with his/her nose on the wall. A few more times before dinner began the opportunity to apologize was offered. Still refusing to apologize, the offender stood at the wall during dinner. I know many people would have a huge problem with this. I (obviously) didn't. It was made clear to the offender that as soon as the apology was offered that dinner was available.
Over the course of the evening, I made sure to walk up to the offender and in a calm, polite voice offer the opportunity to extend the apology. Each time, I made sure to place my hand gently on his/her shoulder to make physical contact. Each time, the offer was refused.
Soon, it was obvious that this might take longer than one evening so a plan was crafted to ensure that an apology was achieved prior to the granting of this child's favorite privilege. Finally, just before bedtime, I took the offender in our room (out of earshot of others) and explained what would happen the next day if an apology was not offered before bedtime. While the explanation was received with complaints, it was understood. Shortly after, the opportunity for the apology was offered yet again.
Finally, the words were uttered.
While I am not convinced that the apology was sincere, that is not my concern at this time. At this point, I am interested in modeling the appropriate behavior and having it copied.
Some may argue that I lost this battle. I don't know. I do believe that this child now realizes that hurting another child (intentionally or accidentally) needs to be followed by an apology. Hurting is NOT acceptable.
So what do you think? How would you have handled this situation? I did what I thought was best at the time, but having other alternatives to choose from next time might help me make a better choice.
4 comments:
Hi, what a beautiful post. You obviously love your children very much and want to do what's best for them.
I think that you handled it well. You wanted to convey a message: Apology must come after hurting another. Also: hurting another is not OK. And, when parents expect an apology, it must be given. All three messages were received, it seems.
The apology itself may not have been sincere, but saying sorry even if not heartfelt, is still a form of giving respect to the sibling who was hurt.
The long lasting battle of wills may not have been pleasant for you as parents nor for your strong-willed child. As I see it, two things are possible here:
1) Either your child has difficulty 'coming down' from being stubborn. In this case, though it took from before dinner till bedtime plus a threat of consequences, he/she eventually DECIDED to cross that threshold and apologize. That is, he/she decided to let go of the stubbornness. That is an important experience for a child! To feel what it's like to let go of stubbornness.
This enables your strong-willed child to develop an important social skill: Putting your own strong will aside if the situation requires it. An apology after someone got hurt is a good moment to put your strong will aside. As is, for example, in later life, a moment of disagreeing with one's spouse/colleague/friend. Or a time when his/her own future children require patience. Or more directly: Getting along better with his/her siblings. You cannot always have it your way when there are 6 kids in the house. Sometimes you need to put your strong will aside and give a bit of space to someone else. Really, it makes you a nicer person if you can do that every once in a while.
I don't advocate that children lose their strong will. Strong wills are good in this world, but only as long as you can use them where appropriate, and rein them in when needed.
So, if # 1 were the case, I think that this was a good experience for your child - even though it may have been hard. If he/she experiences this more often over time, letting go of stubbornness will hopefully become easier. It wasn't the end of the world, after all.
There may have been a second possibility, though. I will put it in a second comment, as this one is already so long.
Part 2 of my comment.
In addition to what I said in my earlier comment, there may have been a second possibility:
2) In the child's experience, something extremely unfair was taking place. This can have many reasons:
- The child confuses 'apologizing' with 'admitting guilt'. He/she doesn't understand that saying sorry is not the same as saying you did it on purpose. In this case you need to explain to your child that sorry can also be said for non-intentional hurts and accidents, as a way of offering consolation and respect.
- The child was 'set up' by his/her siblings and refuses to take the blame or apologize.
- Previous negative experiences after an apology. E.g. having been teased afterwards for apologizing. Maybe a sibling mocked his/her body posture or voice when he/she said sorry a previous time?
- And for BG and TJ (though it may not have been either of them) possibly a different cultural approach to apologies in China or in the orphanage? Honor can be a major motivator for children, IF this is how they were raised. Orphanage culture, too, can play a part. IF they had a past experience with group ridicule after an apology, then the situation in your home may have triggered the old memory and your child's stubbornness.
There can be countless things that motivate a child's behaviour. Things that you and I as parents never think of, but which mean a whole lot to a child. Of course simple things as child development, emotional growth, onset of puberty etc, can also cause such stubbornness as you described.
What I would have done in this case, is to speak to my child alone (out of ear shot of other kids). And ask my child: "Sweetheart, WHY do you not want to apologize?" Make clear that you are willing to listen, whatever their reply is. First try to understand their motivation. Be kind about it, even if their reason for it seems absurd. Then redirect it. (As with the idea that apologizing means admitting guilt.) Make clear that you do still expect an apology. If appropriate, express that you understand their difficulty with apologizing. And help them to do it anyway.
For example: If your child says, "I feel so stupid when I apologize, it's just not cool," then explain to your child how cool it is to apologize and to be a kind and respectful man/woman. Say that it takes courage to apologize. And that you know it makes/him her feel embarrassed, but that it won't be so bad in the end. Encourage him/her to overcome him/herself. And don't forget to cheer him on (high five) when he/she does it.
You see, it may seem like nothing to you. But if your child is willing to fight 5 hours for it, then you can be sure it matters a whole lot to him/her. I'd want to know what motivated my child to put so much effort into not apologizing. For then I would be able to help my child out. That way you will model new ways of behaviour.
I don't think that the way you handled the situation was overly harsh or wrong, at all. Of course, it's always easier to think of solutions after the incident. In our family we try to focus on fostering empathy as often as possible, so we usually have the offending child do something nice for the other person. Taking over a chore, reading a younger child a story anything that involves action, and we try to really talk about how they made the other person feel and how to make it better. With adopted children I think you have to make it clear that you are in charge without making things a battle of wills, tricky.But intentions aside, I admit that I do find myself saying, "I can't believe you did that to your sister, go to your room."
This incident reminded me very much of something that happened in our family a few nights ago. One child said "shut up" to another child, and was required to say something nice to the offended child as a recompense before eating dinner. I did not think it was asking something very difficult, but instead of kind words we had sulking, muttering, and lots of dirty looks all through supper, while I began to wish I had given a different deadline, since the hunger was undoubtedly not helping his mood! After the rest of us had finished eating and sibling was out of earshot, he poured out his complaint to me. He felt that, while he had not made the best choice of words, he had been right in communicating to his sibling that she was out of line with her comments. And if the result of her meddling (and his reaction to it) was that HE had to say something nice to HER, he would "have no face left" and she would have an incentive to continue speaking up about things that were none of her business. He had a point. He suggested himself that he could apologize to her instead (which apparently would not entail losing as much face?), and I agreed and also had her apologize to him for her part in the altercation. I suppose you could call my listening carefully to him and taking his perspective into consideration "connecting before correcting" (haven't read the book yet, so I don't know what the author uses that phrase to mean). But there was never any question that some form of correction was going to happen. I try to let a lot of "small potatoes" go, but I want my kids to know that once I draw a line in the sand, I will follow through.
Post a Comment